2007 August 07 « Mike Scioscia’s tragic illness

Ned Speaks

August 7, 2007 at 5:14 pm | In Ned Colletti | 1 Comment

As I sit here watching another uninspired Dodger performance (down 4-0 to the Reds in the top of the 6th, with only 3 hits), I find myself browsing Dodger GM Ned Colletti’s online chat from earlier today - and as you might expect, a few things caught my eye.

COLLETTI: We’re sitting in the dugout in Cincinnati and are ready to start taking your questions.

Dodgers89: Hi, Mr. Colletti. I am a good friend of Steve Sax and a big fan of yours. I believe you are doing a great job right now but was just wondering about a few things. Will you try to add a starter through the waiver wire?

Wow, Ned. Way to start off with a friendly question. Why didn’t you take the one about how in your spare time you bring puppies and flowers to elderly women in your neighborhood? Anyway, as for the question, Ned replies that there’s not much out there, it’s been hard to find anyone without trading prospects, etc. etc. - all valid points. But Ned, why did you let Arizona claim Joe Kennedy when you could have had him for practically nothing? Kennedy’s nothing too special, but he’s been almost exactly a league-average pitcher (99 ERA+) in the AL this year, which would likely make him slightly above-average in the NL, and he was excellent last year as a reliever (191 ERA+ in 35 innings). In his last NL go-round, he went 9-7 with a 3.66 ERA in 162 innings for a crappy 2004 Rockies team. You’re telling me a 28-year-old lefty that you can claim on waivers isn’t worth giving a shot to instead of Brett Fucking Tomko??

gelomac: Mr. Colletti, how do you feel about signing Juan Pierre? Do you think it is a mistake or do you think you did the right thing?

COLLETTI: One of the things you have to take into account is the makeup of the club at the time the deal was signed. We see Juan Pierre as a very good complimentary player. When we signed him, we didn’t expect him to carry the club. Our expectations were for him to be on base over 200 times and steal 50-plus bases. It’s also only four months into his first season in a new city, and I think we have to wait a little longer before we make judgments on what he can or can’t do.

“A good complimentary player?” You gave 5 years and $45 million - or more money than is currently committed to any player on this team - for a “complimentary” player?

1baddesire: What was the craziest trade offer you received this year?

COLLETTI: We had one American League club that offered us a middle reliever in exchange for two of our everyday players who are not yet 25 years old and are playing at the big league level. Needless to say, it was a short conversation.

I’m going to throw out a guess - and this is based on no solid information - that either Tampa Bay offered Al Reyes (who’d be a middle reliever on just about any other club), or Texas offered Joaquin Benoit (who is a middle reliever on his own crappy club) for James Loney and Andre Ethier, if for no other reason than they have young GM’s desperate to make a splash and ask for the moon. It’s too bad Ned said it was an AL GM, because I’m sure Washington’s Jim Bowden offered up Jon Rauch for the low, low price of Matt Kemp, Clayton Kershaw, a star on the Hollywod Walk of Fame, and a date with Jessica Biel.

shachory: Hi, Mr. Colletti. Did you ever consider trading any of the Dodgers top prospects for a power bat?

COLLETTI: In at least one deal, there was an impact player available. But the asking price of four prospects, including two or three from our current 25-man roster, may have filled one area while creating a void or two at the big league level. If the right deal presented itself, we would be open minded to moving anybody. But we’re not going to gut the farm system for one or two players.

There’s nothing particularly interesting about this question and answer, but as I don’t want to only beat up on Neddie here, I’ll say it again - he did a great job by not giving up our highly-rated prospects for veterans we did not need.

ThinkCure: Save The Los Angeles Dodgers

The Los Angeles Dodgers fanbase, the Mike Scioscia’s Tragic Illness constituency and the City Of Hope and Children’s Hospital Los Angeles are pleased to announce to you our new charity:

ThinkCure is the new charitable endeavor launched to help fight the battle against serious illness and incompetence to players and coaches in the Dodgers organization. ThinkCure and its sponsors hope to create a sense of strength and success of which will be generated by a healthy base of motivational support inspired by the search for a cure for these self-destructive illnesses. Not only do we want ThinkCure to become a success amongst its sponsors, but also amongst the entire Los Angeles Dodgers’ fanbase.

Let us chronicle just a few of the painful experiences that some of our victims face today. First off, let us begin with Dodgers’ third baseman Nomar Garciaparra.

For many, Nomar was one of the greatest shortstops of the 1990’s. That statement would be very true, as he would go on to win back to back batting titles in 1999-2000… but then the illnesses would hit.

Since mid-2006, Nomar has suffered from an acute case of “I am an old has-been who now sucks…… Itis.” This is an illness that is common amongst men in their mid to late 30’s. In addition to his severe obsessive compulsive disorder before he steps into the batters box, symptoms of IAAOHWNSI include:

Declining in most of your statistical numbers.
Making significantly weaker contact with the baseball during at-bats.
Not taking like… a fucking pitch
Your wife is the better athlete… at your sport
In extreme cases, symptoms can also include being outslugged by Juan Pierre. If such cases happen, please contact your nearest MSTI represenetive, as soon as possible.

Alas, it does not end here…

Let us meet victim number two, Juan Pierre.

Juan Pierre is a former World Series champion and was a key member of the 2003 Marlins. Unfortunately, since 2005, things have turned for the worse for Juan. Suddenly, Juan has suffered from:

No longer getting on base with a ridiculously low OBP
Extra base hits are at a minimum
Lack of throwing arm.
Feeling he is worth $45 million dollars
Hitting very weak grounders or lazy fly outs
Feeling he is worth $45 million dollars

For Heaven’s sake, just look at the man being reduced of his dignity and pride…

But sadly, it does not end there. Here is our third victim, Olmedo Saenz.

Saenz was once a star pinch hitter for the Dodgers. If there was ever a reason to believe in clutch hitting, he sure made solid arguments with his extraordinary pinch hitting abilities. Unfortunately, he has now reached a level of both decline and suckiness. Saenz also suffers from:

Feelings of grandeur and delusion where he walks around calling himself: “Big Sexy.”
Reduced bat speed
Can no longer hit Major League pitching
The Pittsburgh Pirates are now kicking his ass

Unfortunately, Saenz’s decline is becoming so rapid, he has now fallen into a depression. As comfort food, Olmedo is now eating a bat boy every day and reports are surfacing that they have found the remains of Jimmy Hoffa in his stomach.

Finally, let us meet our fourth and final victim, Dodgers manager Grady Little.

Unfortunately for Grady, he has had a chronic case of brain gastritis. Symptoms of this include:

Leaving your tired starting pitcher in a crucial playoff game
Developing unusual hunches
Ineffective lineup cards
Benching your talent
Ineffectively handling starting and relief pitching
Lack of passion
Developing unusual likings to 42 year old relief pitchers.
Running your fucking catcher into the ground

In such severe cases as Grady’s, head positions can also be unusual from the normal, as the head is usually found up their ass. Unfortunately, several of Grady’s symptoms have also affected those around him. Here is one observer…

“It just really pains me to see him go through this. I speak from watching him first-hand. Take me, for instance. He would be so abusive with me and my playing time. I couldn’t even get into the lineup at first, he just wouldn’t let me. He would get so bad, that’s why I had to start the season in Triple-A. He told me that it didn’t matter if I hit .380 or even .700. As long as I wasn’t a veteran, I had no chance. Thankfully after I slipped him a… uh… oops..”

- James Loney

Folks, we feel that it is imperative to find a cure for these illnesses. These illnesses are not only self-destructive, but they also tear apart the fabric and morale of the organization. Think of the devotion and time that the fans put into their Dodgers. Think of the little children who come to Dodger Stadium and put their lifes on the line every night by sitting in the pavillion just to watch their heroes play. By making a donation today, not only will you put a smile on these children’s faces, but you will also be helping the chances of maybe, just maybe, finding a cure to make your Dodgers restore the brains and talent to be competent again. And if God creates a miracle, perhaps even competent enough to make a run for first place.

However, do not let the thought of a donation scare you; we do not ask for much. We are not a greedy bunch. Me and Mike Scioscia’s Tragic Illness have donated $1,000,000 each, but if we had 1,000,000 people donate a dollar each, we would be just as thrilled, if not just to get everyone involved. Any donations are appreciated. To make a donation, please call:

1-800 CURE-LAD

Be a champion and make a donation today. Because we can be heroes, if just for one day.

Thank You,

The MSTI Constituency

- Vin