For all the crap that James Loney (along with Matt Kemp) has been getting lately about being unprofessional, blah, blah, blah, all that was laid to rest a couple of nights ago.

Folks, meet Adrian Garcia.

Since the beginning of this season, he has been the Dodgers new field reporter for FSN Prime Ticket. To be uncharacteristically succinct, he is a blithering idiot: I mean, really STUPID. Like Jessica Simpson stupid, but at least what she lacks in intelligence she makes up for in hotness. Or Grady Little stupid, which makes for real fun during the postgame interviews. I mean, he’s just… weird. Besides his God awful questions which make you scream “no shit, stupid!”, he’s an ass who completely overpronounces Latin names (although I swear he once tried to roll the R’s on Pierre), does bilingual interviews with players who actually DO speak English, and then sometimes mixes English AND Spanish at the same time when he talks. Then there was the ridiculous “Spanish Word Of The Day” thing. To top it off, he also has a fetish for the words “obviously” and “basically.”

It’s like: “And now we send it out to Adrian Garcia!”

“O.K., thanks guys, let’s talk about Rrrrrrr… (five minutes later)… afael Fuca, who obviously went 2-3 con un RBI and is hitting well… obviously.”

O.K., the point? After the Dodgers completely got bitch slapped yet again Thursday by the Rockies, 10-4, with two more RBI’s by Loney, James was brave enough to have another interview with Garcia. I say “another interview” after the gem from a couple of weeks ago when Garcia asked if Loney’s contacts gave him X-Ray Vision, which you could tell Loney was thinking like “What the hell?” Then Garcia asked if he could call him “Big Game James,” to which Loney said “call me whatever you want” and smartly took off.

So, just for the hell of it, I will first answer Garcia’s questions LIKE Adrian Garcia, and then put Loney’s real answer afterwards in bold.

Adrian Garcia: Alright guys, well, James Loney, tonight, 31 RBI’s, that’s where you’re at right now. How important is it for you to finish strong like this?

James Loney As Adrian Garcia: Well, you know, Adrian, I mean, with the way I’ve obviously been hitting the ball this past month, everyone’s been like, “ah, ta loco!” But basically, pretty much, no, it means nothing and I hope to finish off the year weak, pretty much, basically.

James Loney Como Adrian García: Bien, sabes, Adrian, yo significas, con la manera que he estado golpeando obviamente la bola este último mes, cada uno estado como, ” ¡ah, loco de TA! ” Pero básicamente, bonito mucho, no, significa que nada y yo espero acabar apagado el año débil, bonito mucho, básicamente.

James Loney: I want to finish strong, you know, like everybody else and, you know, and stay focused and try to win games.

AG: Now the Rockies have won 7 straight against you guys, are they that good?

JLAAG: No, I mean, they, you know, obviously like squashed our palotes in and out for the past two weeks and eliminated us and are obviously precisely within reach of the postseason still, obviously, but… no, they’re not all that good and neither is their manager, Clint Hurrrrrrrrr… (five minutes later)… dle obviously.

JLCAG: Besame, besame mucho, como si fuera esta noche la última vez. Besame, besame mucho, que tengo miedo a perderte, perderte despues. Quiero sentirte muy cerca mirarme en tus ojos verte junto a mí. Piensa que tal vez mañana yo ya estare lejos, muy lejos de ti.

JL: They got a great team over there, you know, they got some great hitters and, uh, you know, all around, actually, they’re pretty good. They’re playing for a spot in the playoffs so they’re playing hard.

AG: Now they have a big series over the weekend with the Diamondbacks, which of those two teams in your estimation has the edge there?

JLAAG: I would say basically precisely that it’s obvious that the team who pretty much scores more runs will basically have the advantage obviously.

JLCAG: La cucaracha, la cucaracha, ya no puede caminar. Porque no tiene, porque le falta marijuana que fumar. Ya murio la cucaracha, ya la llevan a enterrar. Entre cuatro zopilotes, y un raton de sacristan.

JL: I don’t know, they’re both great teams. I mean, I guess obviously the D-Backs have the edge, I think cause they’re a few games or so, but I don’t know, it should be a great series.

AG: Now for you guys, over the weekend, you got the Giants, is it important to finish at least at .500?

JLAAG: No, we’re obviously hoping those pendejos can beat the mierda out of us and we can finish below .500, so they can sweep us, obviously.

JLCAG: No, estamos esperando obviamente que esos pendejos pueden batir el mierda fuera de nosotros y podemos acabar debajo de .500, así que pueden barrernos, obviamente.

JL: Yeah, I would hope so, you know, hopefully you can win all those games and go end the season on a positive note. And, hopefully time passes quickly, so we can come back next year and do it big.

AG: Thanks, James, take care.

JLAAG: (jumps up and begins to strangle him)

Anyone who can put up with his interviews without strangling him IS a professional. And to think, Garcia replaced her…

Come back, Lindsay!

Thank you to Dictionary.com’s translator for letting me make mostly non-sensical and awful translations.

– Vin